: Break ups and Suicide
I had been dating this man for over two years and I thought he was the one and he made me feel like I was the one for him too. You know, he always gave me those silly reassuring lines, like, "A life with you is really what I asked for; thank God I found you." "You mean a lot to me and I do not want to ever lose you."
He said these words before, during and after sex, so I certainly was not delusional. I heard them so much that I actually believed them and built my life based on them. I would raise him financially when it felt like he was struggling with his finances. Most times, he didn’t have to ask, when it just looked like things were tight for him, I would come to his rescue. I loved him and never wanted to see him sad.
Oh, I also showed him how important it was to have a girlfriend that cooked for him. Every weekend when I went to visit him, I would prepare large bowls of soup and stew each filled with chicken and turkey, just how he likes it and before I left his house on Saturday evenings most times and Sunday mornings, other times, I always left his house sparkling clean, - I am a very domestic lady, so I did these things with ease-. And let’s not forget the 360 run I always gave him in the bed, on the couch, at the back seat of his car and every other place that was conducive enough for sex. He had a huge sex appetite and each day, I ensured I met up to his pace and satisfaction.
Then, one Wednesday afternoon, as I was on my way from work, he called to break up with me. He said he needed closure; that he wanted to find himself; that he felt like he was not the right person for me. I almost ran mad. What was he saying? This same guy whom I have built a future with in my head? Hmmm…
I told him that I was sure he was the right person for me and I was okay with him just the way he was, but he said he felt that we both needed something else, so he decided that we went on a three-month break. I reluctantly agreed, not like I had a choice, but at least, a break was better than a break up.
Every day through the first two months of our break, I sent him messages, explaining how my day went, how it wasn’t the same without him and how beautiful our future would be together. Then one day, while I was minding my business on Instagram and patiently waiting for the end of the third month, so I could get back to my “In a relationship” status; BellaNaija told me otherwise with a picture. It was a wedding picture of my boyfriend and another lady.
Wait… What?!!!, I thought and zoomed into the picture properly to check the shape of the guy's jaw, how his hairline was shaved; I was looking for something, anything that would prove to me that the image on the screen of my phone wasn’t that of the same and only guy I had been sharing intimacy for the past twenty nine months with. Alas it was.
I cried and cried and cried. I went on social media and poured my heart out on all the platforms I was on. And now, the only thing that is on my mind is suicide.
“Suicide?!!!”, the lady who sat opposite me repeated, with so much shock plastered on her face. She had listened to me talk all along, expressionless and no attempt to cut me short, until I mentioned the word ‘SUICIDE’.
Then she went:
Are you serious? Help me here please. How do you kill yourself because a man leaves you to marry another woman? Are you aware of the term “The Future”? Do you even know what that means? Do you know what your future holds? Are you really saying that the only essence of your living and existence on earth is just to get married to this one man? Then what happens? Are you fair to yourself?
I cannot overemphasize how hurting it feels to be jilted by a man in whom you invested a lot in. But, lets look at it this way, what if a life time with this man will bring you more disaster than good? What if he ends up turning you to a punching bag in the marriage and then five years afterwards, if you are still alive, you realise that you have wasted your life with an animal, then you walk out of your marriage. The trauma you would put your children through?
Or in the first few years of your marriage he infects you with a viral disease because his cheating game is really sleek, after all, he had a girl in his life all along and you had no clue.
Okay, how about the fact that he gets married to you and dies at the early part of the marriage, probably after you just gave birth to your second or third child, leaving you to take care of the kids and you all alone.
Now, do you think that any of these scenarios is worth giving up your life for? Most times, what we humans do is that we get so absorbed in the moment that we never view past it. We need to take ourselves out of the moment or situation that we are going through and see a farther view of things, that way, we would get a clearer picture.
One sad realization about life: Is that we really cannot control our lives and what we get out of it. Is that with life comes a lot of factors we cannot control, but there is a greater Being who can. He knows what the future holds and He cares about you whether you know this or not, so He would keep doing things that would bring us good in future.
I am not going to talk to you like I have super powers, or like I am the smartest lady there is. I too have been hurt, been ditched, been taken advantage of. I remember the last ex I had, like you, I invested one full year of my life into a relationship with him and I was determined that he would be my last bustop. I just had to make it work. So, times when I noticed I called him way more than he did me, I would refuse to see it. When we had conversations, he would constantly tell me that I spoke from a very dumb angle and that he felt like every conversation with me was a waste of his time, again, I chose not to see it. I was determined to get married. To get married to him. My friends were all getting married and I did not want to be the last single lady in the bunch.
But I was suffering emotionally. Time and time again, when we spoke on the phone, I was scared to talk, because I did not want him to get angry that I spoke about my work too much, or that I praised myself too much or anyother thing that would get him angered. So I would shut my mouth and listened to him talk. Two minutes into the call, he would have exhausted all he had to say and cut the call. I would look at my phone, shake my head and try to cry, but an innate resolve dried up my tear ducts so much so that nothing ever came out.
Then one day, after we had added another five months into the relationship, he called to tell me that he had found someone else. So like you, I cried and cried and cried. I felt my life had ended. A year and five months all for nothing. How do I start to build another relationship again? Did I even have the time?
But you see, my love, I am married to a totally different person today. I have been married for five years now and not for one day do I regret marrying him.
Each time I tell young ladies about this story, they always ask me why I hurt when he broke up with me. They would tell me that it was obvious that he was bad for me. But what they never understand is that I was just a young human who got totally absorbed in the situation that I never saw past it. I thought my goal in life, which to me was to get married to that guy, was defeated and I would never have a chance at it again.
But I stayed through it. And day after day, I realized that I needed to find myself, to know who I really was, to appreciate myself for other people to appreciate me. I needed to live life for ME. And for me to truly do this, I had to start enjoying my own company. I took myself out when I felt bored. Watched Youtube videos and learnt what those ladies called “A Face Beat” – a proper make up-, so I made myself up when I hung out with my friends. Basically I started to like ME.
So you see my dear, until you find out who you are, what you like, what you have passion for and are able to spend time with yourself and not feel disadvantaged, you have not lived your life.There is a reason it's called your life, do not allow another human take the privilege of living your own life away from you.
How do you go about it? You might ask: When you get home, kneel down and have a conversation with your God, tell him that you almost took your life because of a relationship that didn’t work out, then say that you have decided to give yourself one more chance, a chance to find yourself and your purpose and ask him to guide you as you do this.
Do this every single day, at any time of the day. And one more thing: tell him that he said that “The thoughts he has towards you, are thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end” in his word and you have chosen to believe it.
Then in six months’ time, we would have this conversation again, I would like to hear what you would have to say.
Then she handed me a handkerchief to wipe the tears that had flooded my face. I smiled through the tears, got up and gave her the longest hug I have ever given a human being.
“Thank You very much ma”, I said to her and I left her office.
*************Single girls deserve to be happy; Shit, we all deserve to be happy*************
Author’s Comment: Oh, I had a good time writing this piece and I sincerely hope you enjoy it. Let me know if you did, by leaving a comment or even some words of encouragement for someone who is this position in the comment section below. And if there is a particular topic you would like me to talk about, just suggest below and we would have an even more interesting time talking about it. And make sure you also share this with the other single ladies you know, you never know whose soul you might be saving. And remember, we are single and not dead; life must go on. Abi mustn’t it?